Very briefly - just to let you know -

I'd have to say - that today wasn't too bad of a day -

had physical therapy today, and it seems to have helped with my pain -

at least I feel a bit more spunky again.

Thinking of what I want for Thanksgiving - and that is an improvement. 

So here's the gist of how my day went:

There's a large part of me that doesn't want to get better. I have trouble seeing the point anymore.
I almost don't want to feel better.
I don't want to try.
I'm tired of battling.
Part of me just wants to let go, be depressed, and quit doing anything.
Why do I say this (or think this)... because usually I will want to put on music to lift my spirits,
and I don't even want to do that.
I don't want sound of any sort... no TV, no radio, no music. I just want to dive into a book and stay there.
I crave solitude and silence and peace and freedom from stress, worry and concern.
(the following is sort of addressed towards my children)
It would be different if I felt loved and wanted, but let's face it, I don't say anything that you want to hear,
that lifts you up and encourages. I encourage you towards the Lord... you don't understand and you don't want to hear.
You want to be encouraged in your own ways... in the ways of the world, and I can not do that.
I do not feel embraced.
I feel as though I am a duty and a burden.
What do I offer you, anything you want? Or are you looking for something from me which you can not get?
Nobody wants it... nobody ever does... (or very few anyway)
everybody wants their own life.

If I can't do things for other people I feel very little point in living.
Some people seem happy to live just for themselves, but that is not me.

I don't know... maybe I'll rebound in a few days....

Forgive me folks if I pour my heart out. I do it because there may be somebody out there who has felt as I do
but were afraid to express it, and by hearing me express it maybe I can offer them some comfort that they are not alone.

Other odd questions/observations; (some of you might remember I've started a sequence of these )
I would like to understand why only the english drive on the right hand side, while all the rest of the world uses the left?
(with a few exceptions... the Bahamas for instance also drive on the right... english colonization?)
I wonder how and why these choices are determined/made.
There must be some great reason.

and as the night falls
was today any better than yesterday
it is hard to say
the gloom now envelopes
the culmination of day
time to pray...
once again... to pray...
when will my answer come?

I've done alot of writing today...
it's what I do...
it's how I let it all out.

and I think now I am feeling better.

Here's another good one I heard the other day.

'Do parents teach children, or does God give us children to teach us....'
(I was listening to a sermon by Matthew Kelly, he is a great teacher)

I realized many years ago that I learned as much, or more, from raising my children,
and I've never hesitated to tell them so.  I am grateful for the little lessons God gave to me.

in other notes:
I'm still down in the dumps and can't seem to shake it...
and on top of that I've discovered that it appears that for the first time in my life
I am having high blood pressure... cause unknown, although I suspect it is the stress...
my body has not been doing well... I know that's why I've also been feeling so depressed...
I need to get more exercise but I can't... I need to get out in the sun and around people but I can't...
when I can not function physically... am in pain all day, weak and shaky,
it isn't long before my mental state deteriorates. It's one of those cart and horse situations...
it is quite likely that the situation over my housing is causing my depressed state, which is causing my pain,
which is worsening my mental state, which is worsening my pain... Ughh
Physical therapy scheduled to start Thursday. I hope it helps.

Other Carolyn.... how are you doing... I will have to go check in.

Looks like this;

feels like this;
I don't know why it feels so cold, the temp.'s aren't all that low yet.

"Enjoy the little things in life...
for one day you'll look back
and realize they were the big things"

I do wish I could think of something to cheer myself up.

Obviously the minor achievement of yesterday did not lift my spirits for long.
As I move about my house I simply have the constant reminders of how I'd just begun to make this place a home,
and how I must now leave again and start again.  I just want a place to plant my feet and know that I can stay put.
That my efforts won't be wasted by constant uprooting... to know that as soon as a place starts to feel like home
I won't have to keep leaving and go somewhere else again. It's too late in life for all that. I do not have the
energy of youth anymore... or the health. It is depressing, and harder every day to push away that depressed feeling.
This is usually the happiest season of the year for me, and even that is depressing me now...
that I am not even able to enjoy this most enjoyable time of the year.

Happy dance

So, those two calls that I had been putting off....
I made one today (push came to shove because the bill was coming due)...
and it wasn't so hard after all.
I just got my internet/phone service extended another year and for $6/month less than I had been paying.

Happy dancin' today. 

(I feel 'accomplished' today.  I still have 'that other one' to make though. :-/)

I've been listening to the most discouraging scenarios for the upcoming elections, both now and later...
Why, oh why, can't the Republican party just do what is right and put forth a strong values candidate,
that we might receive the blessings of God.
Put forth a candidate the people feel they can believe in...
Obama went far because he was a candidate that people felt they could believe in.

Oh no, I forgot my electric blanket died last year... or the control that turns it on died anyway.
My blanket would not turn on last night.

Saw this comic today:

Somebody else comments:

"Ever wonder why they don't just set it back HALF an hour ... and leave it?  Me, too ..."